DIY Platinum key ring

“Status is often associated with the rarest of metals”

Post type: rant
Inspiration courtesy: Standard Chartered
Why: Standards shatterred
Action Plan: you’ll see
Key ring, then?
Promise will be kept; read on.

“And Platinum, the rarest of them all, awaits you.”

“We invite you to the world of the Standard Chartered Platinum Credit Card.”

I bet you feel privileged to read those lines now, while completely aware that you don’t have a card waiting for you. Imagine the glitter in my eyes while I opened the black plain envelope on which these lines were printed in elegant white letters. There’s no better way to please me than with a killer presentation and simplicity. Why do you think I’m hopelessly stuck with the iPhone?

“Wow”, I thought.

Anyways, there are two reasons why I applied for this credit card:

  1. Reliance Consumer Finance screwed up my credit history last year and with a lot of effort I was able to get out of that relationship.
    No more business with Anil Ambani.
    The best way to find out if everything is alright at CIBIL is to apply for a credit card. It will be rejected right at the beginning of the process when you provide PAN number. I got through; so my efforts in breaking up with Reliance paid off well.
  2. When applied online, this will be a lifetime free card. I never held a credit card that had an annual fee. Many banks these days charge an annual fee and I don’t like it. So, lifetime free is good. Not a bad deal to verify my reason 1 above.

Now, I have a habit of skimming through the paperwork that comes with every freakin’ package I receive. Let it be a gadget manual, flipkart shipment, FedEx box or even the Zinda Tilismath 5ml bottle. I’m not saying I’ll digest all the fine print but I’ll try my best to see what the gist is.

Trouble started few minutes after I was “invited” into the envelope.

While point 1 above makes me happy, point 2 had a contradiction in the paperwork I received. It said I will be charged INR 844.00 as annual fee. Not even conditional, straight-forward debit.

[Conditional = “If you spend more than 30,000 in a year, then there won’t be any annual fees. If you don’t spend minimum 30,000 then there will be 750 INR annual fee, and Service Tax on that fee” types.]

Well, when you have a doubt, you clarify. I had one, so I did.

While I exchanged numerous emails [and I still am exchanging], let me give you the summary in simple phrases. Every line below is an email, either to or from Standard Chartered Platinum Support, that hires a dedicated resource to investigate into every question for complete seven working days and then, most probably asks for more information.

-I applied online. I confirmed with the person who collected my documentation. I confirmed with the lady who cross-verified my information over the telephone. I was told this is a ‘free for lifetime’ card. Why do I see annual charges in the paperwork I received?
-It is a “fee” card, not a “free” card.

-I applied online. I confirmed with the person who collected my documentation. I confirmed with the lady who cross-verified my information over the telephone. I was told this is a ‘free for lifetime’ card. Why do I see annual charges in the paperwork I received?
-First year free sir. From second year, you will pay 844.00 INR as annual fee.

-I applied online. I confirmed with the person who collected my documentation. I confirmed with the lady who cross-verified my information over the telephone. I was told this is a ‘free for lifetime’ card. Why do I see annual charges in the paperwork I received?
-Who told you so? Is there any written communication? Is there a reference number??

-I applied online. I confirmed with the person who collected my documentation. I confirmed with the lady who cross-verified my information over the telephone. I was told this is a ‘free for lifetime’ card. Why do I see annual charges in the paperwork I received?
-Unless I see a written proof, this is a “fee” card.

-I applied online. I confirmed with the person who collected my documentation. I confirmed with the lady who cross-verified my information over the telephone. I was told this is a ‘free for lifetime’ card. Why do I see annual charges in the paperwork I received?
-Only in December we had that offer. If you had applied in December, you would have gotten that offer.

-I applied in December!
-Your card was “generated” in January. So, offer not valid.

-Open Standard Chartered India website. Click “Internet Banking”. Check the banner that says “Free for life”. If you want a written proof, write that down. And once you’re done, please confirm that the card I received is a “free” card. AND, it’s not December anymore.
-Oh that!! Yes sir, it’s a free for life card for you.

🙂

Phew!
Isn’t that sweet!

In between those email messages to and fro, because it takes 7 working days for each response, I called their support number as well.

Arun (my SC phone buddy) and Prakash (last email guy) both initially told me it was a “fee” card. Now, Prakash came around but am not sure what Arun thinks. So, just to be sure, my email exchange continues.

-Thanks for confirming that this is a “free” card. Now, send me written communication. May be a printed letter.
-I confirm this is a lifetime free card for you.

-I would prefer a laminated copy. What if you, Arun or someone else from SC asks me in the future the same question I was already asked? “Do you have a written communication? Is there a reference number??”
-I confirm this is a lifetime free card for you.

-And make sure there is a reference number attached to the communication. Apparently, that’s important!
– <awaiting response>

Simultaneously, there is another topic in discussion with Standard Chartered Platinum Support. They spelled my name incorrect [on the account, not card] and when asked for correction, they need (1). School leaving Certificate (2). Birth Certificate (3). Driving License (4). Passport (5). PAN Card copy.

I ask- who is the basta*d who typed my name into the database in the first place? Where did he get it from? Where did the documentation I provided go? Was it sold to some terrorists to get fake SIM cards? AND, because some dumbo cannot type my name carefully into the system, I send you all that information (self-attested, btw)?

I say- Send me a passport size photo of that idiot who entered my name into the system. Of course, self-attested. Attach his passport in original and send in “normal post only” without stamp. No registered post or couriers entertained.

Okay, now DIY key ring:

Material needed:

  1. Standard Chartered Platinum credit card
  2. Inspiration (free with Standard Chartered credit card)
  3. Paper hole punch machine
  4. Metal ring
  5. Key (optional)

Instructions:

  1. Punch a hole in the corner
  2. Mount a ring

Ta-da! There you have a 1,16,000 INR worth key ring! Elegant, heh? 🙂

Optional:

  1. Take a picture (creativity is always welcomed!)
  2. Publish a blog post
  3. Share the joy with Standard Chartered support:
    1. By sending the post link (my way)
    2. By sending flowers (like Munna Bhai MBBS)

Action plan:

I send this link to Standard Chartered Support every freakin’ day until my name is corrected.

If you charge me extra (annual fee or any other charge), I will fight, argue or break up. But if you spell my name incorrect, you’ve gone far. Too far. If you don’t correct it when pointed out, you don’t deserve to live. You die.

scfunda

2 Replies to “DIY Platinum key ring”

  1. My loan was rejected. Credit
    Sudhaar was my choice. Initially they were slow. But their counsellors were
    able to handle all my queries. I will give Credit Sudhaar a positive review

    1. I’m glad you have a positive experience with Stan Chart. For me, it’s me about 200 interactions so far (emails still going on as I have no card now) and all of them very bad.

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