• The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
  • I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy
  • If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
  • It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With a hunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times!
  • Do not disturb. Already disturbed.
  • When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.
  • Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
  • The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  • It’s no accident that ‘stressed’ spelled backwards is ‘desserts’.
  • I said no to drugs, but they did not listen!
  • The IDEAL man does not smoke, does not drink, does not flirt, goes to bed early, in short… does not exist.
  • Life would be a lot easier if I had the source-code.
  • If I can be of any help, you’re in worse trouble than I thought.

2 Replies to “One-liners”

  1. Thanks again! I love quotes too… You can expect a post with good quotes every week… If you have a collection of your own, forward them to me and we’ll share with everyone else… 🙂

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